I Don't Feel Like Writing, But I Can Cook

Writing feels pointless these days...

I’ve had an uncomfortable streak of luck with getting my writing successfully published since October 2023. I’ve had opportunities with publishers that only one month prior would have had me drooling, giddy, proud. But these last five months while watching Israel continue to murder and starve Palestinians in Gaza — not to mention what’s continued to happen in the West Bank and broader Palestine — I feel very little joy or pride that my writing on Palestine has found a home. It feels dirty. I feel used. Most of all, it feels pointless.

There’s more to share about my experience of working with these publications —many of which have proudly published my work only to publish the very next day writing I vehemently disagree with, writing that attempts to explore why Israel’s actions toward Palestinians are not only necessary but acceptable — but I want this post to talk about something else. I want to talk about food.

I love food. It loves me too. Garlic will linger on my fingertips for days after I’ve chopped some for a red sauce. No matter how many times I wash my hands, the scent of garlic will prevail. Right now, there are very few things that bring me joy, or moments of pause. Cooking, at least, gives me that.

But only kind of — every time I cook I think about Gaza and I think about the kids who are pocketing flour mixed with dirt and possibly blood from the ground and I think about the fact that some parents are boiling water at night just to help their kids imagine that their dinner is on its way. How cruel that the imagination has to be used like this.

I keep meditating on the idea that there are multiple truths that can and do exist at once. I don’t know if it always helps, but I share this because for me while cooking brings up these feelings of guilt and shame it also has the capacity to grant me a moment of calm. This is not unique to me, I know. That’s why I wanted to share here a video of me cooking one of my favorite Palestinian dishes: Mahshi — a stuffed squash traditionally full of rice and ground lamb seasoned with Allspice, ghee, and a touch of cinnamon.

Most Arab countries have their own variation of this recipe. Mine here is vegetarian, made with a ground soy-based protein. Somewhere in Ramallah and Jaffa I’m sure my ancestors are turning in their grave at the idea of replacing lamb with fake meat…

I loved making this video. I made it long before October 2023. But I think for the sake of continuing to preserve the archive, to rebuild the archive, to share any small parts of joy, it’s best I share it outside of my immediate family.

Share the recipe, ask me any annoying questions about how to balance the flavors (I’ll likely tell you to keep tasting your food until it feels right) and let’s help continue to preserve and rebuild what Palestinians are losing back home.